“Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed” (James 5:16).
Most Christian men believe this verse. Far fewer have actually done it: sat across from another man and said, out loud, a specific sin they committed. If that’s you, here is a simple way to begin.
1. Choose the right person
You don’t need a crowd. You need one man who is:
- A believer who takes sin seriously and grace seriously.
- Trustworthy with words. He doesn’t pass things along.
- Honest. He won’t just tell you it’s fine.
He doesn’t need to be older, wiser, or more spiritual than you. He needs to be safe and truthful. If no one comes to mind, your pastor is a good place to start.
2. Ask for the time directly
Don’t try to slip a confession into small talk. Say what you need: “Can we get breakfast this week? I have something I need to tell you.” That sentence is itself a step. You’ve committed to speaking.
3. Say it first, in one sentence
When the moment comes, resist the urge to warm up with context. Say the sin first, with you as the subject and a real verb:
- “I’ve been lying to my wife about how much I drink.”
- “I looked at pornography three times this week.”
- “I stole from my employer. About two hundred dollars, over a few months.”
Then stop. Let it land.
This is the hardest part, and it’s where most confessions go wrong. We lead with the backstory (“things have been hard at home…”) so the listener will sympathize before he hears the sin. That’s the oldest excuse there is, the same one Adam used in Genesis 3. The honest version starts with I.
4. Then give what’s useful
After the one sentence, you can fill in what your friend needs to understand: how long it’s been going on, when it tends to happen, who else knows. This is information, not defense. If you notice yourself explaining why it wasn’t really your fault, stop and go back to the one sentence.
5. Let him respond
A good friend will do some version of five things: ask follow-up questions, listen without rushing, tell you the truth, refuse to flatter, and help carry the weight. Let him. If he asks something hard, answer it.
If he responds poorly (by minimizing, overreacting, or changing the subject), it doesn’t mean confession was a mistake. It may mean you need a different person next time. Don’t let one bad response send you back into silence.
6. Hear the gospel
A man who has just confessed needs to hear that he is not condemned. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). If your friend doesn’t say it, ask him to. Then let him pray for you, specifically, by name, about what you just told him.
7. Decide what happens next
Before you leave, agree on something concrete. Who else needs to know? What will you do differently this week? When will you tell him how it went?
He who is alone with his sin is utterly alone.
Why it matters
Psalm 32 describes what silence does to a man: “When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long.” Then it describes the turn: “I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not cover my iniquity… and you forgave the iniquity of my sin.”
Confession isn’t punishment. James puts it in the same paragraph as prayer for the sick, because it’s part of healing. The man who confesses isn’t submitting to discipline. He’s going to the doctor.
And once you’ve done it once, it gets easier. Giving Account argues that the best kind of confession is the regular kind: a short, honest report every week, given before anyone asks. The free Weekly Self-Report gives you four questions to start with.
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